WARNING: CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE, SARCASM AND SPOILERS
The first line of Eclipse is “All our attempts at subterfuge had been in vain” My attempts to busy myself so I wouldn’t make notes and didn’t have to put myself through reading this were also in vain. Damn my mind for telling me to commit to this. Oh well only this book then Breaking Dawn. Only this book then Breaking Dawn. I can do this.
A good point of Eclipse is that it starts with Charlie being very reasonable and logical “I don’t think you should dump all your other friends for your boyfriend, Bella… it’s not nice, and I think your life would be better balanced if you kept some other people in it” and he tells her to “keep it balanced.” All of this is good advice which Bella should listen to. BUT SHE’S BELLA SWAN, THE PERFECT EDWARD’S MOTHERFUCKING GIRLFRIEND SHE WILL DO WHAT SHE WANTS. It also irritates me that Meyer is going to make Charlie suck. FUCK YOU MEYER. FUCK YOU. WHY DO YOU CREATE A GLIMMER OF HOPE THEN SMASH IT LIKE HULK SMASHED LOKI? WHY? Oh yeah, because someone told you that you could write.
The theme that Meyer has used for this book because she’s too lazy to think of something is Wuthering Heights. Like in New Moon, Edward doesn’t have a high opinion on the book Meyer chose to copy and edit for her happy ending. “I don’t understand why you like it. The characters are ghastly people who ruin each others’ lives. I don’t know how Heathcliff and Cathy ended up being ranked with couples like Romeo and Juliet or Elizabeth Bennet and Mr Darcy. It isn’t a love story, its a hate story” Like New Moon his opinion on Wuthering Heights is right in my opinion. I am not a fan of the Bronte sisters. Another thing this has in common with New Moon is Bella gets huffy and angry when someone insults her favourite books. “You have some serious issues with the classics” I snapped. OOOooooo BE AFRAID BELLA SNAPPED. Seriously, she is like the least scary person ever. Then Edward asks her “honestly, though, why do you read it over and over again? What is it that appeals to you?” Please do tell Bella. Why is it you seem to have some fucked up idea of love that makes you want to date stalker vampire guys who call you their own personal brand of heroin? I am dying to know since I have to read this drivel. Bella’s reason is “I’m not sure, I think its something about the inevitability. How nothing can keep them apart- not her selfishness, or his evil or even death, in the end…” Inevitability sucks ass. Where’s the excitement in inevitability?. Edward says “I still think it would be a better story if either of them had one redeeming quality” Sorry are you talking about the Twilight Saga? Because right now it feels like it. The inevitability. Nothing keeping them apart- not her idiocy, his possessive stalkerness, werewolves, hungry vampires or the volturi. Neither have redeeming qualities. Bella’s response about that remark is “I think that may be the point,”I disagreed. “Their love is their only redeeming quality.” Well your love for each other isn’t your redeeming quality. And I am pretty sure te same goes for Heathcliff and Cathy.
Moving on, its time for Edward’s hypocritical moment of the book. This book Edward tells Bella she can’t hang round with Jacob because “you know its out of the question for you to be around a werewolf unprotected, Bella. And it would break the treaty if any of us cross over onto their land. Do you want us to start a war?” Bella argues that “it’s truly not dangerous at all,” I said pleading again. “I used to spend all day in La Push with the whole lot of them, and nothing ever happened.” But Edward won’t have any of it “Werewolves are unstable. Sometimes, the people near them get hurt. Sometimes they get killed.” Because vampires are totally safe to be around 100% of the time. It’s why Jasper wanted to drain Bella dry when she got a paper cut in New Moon, Edward left, Bella became ‘Xtreme Bella’, she started hanging out with werewolves, jumped off a cliff and Edward almost killed himself. Vampires epitome of safety. Bella’s internal monologue that the reader is subjected to says “I knew I must be patient with Edward. It wasn’t that he was unreasonable, it was just that he didn’t understand. He had no idea how very much I owed Jacob Black – my life so many times over, and possibly my sanity, too” You have to be patient with Edward because he’s not being unreasonable? He is being unreasonable. You can’t say werewolves are dangerous to someone when you’re a fucking vampire who wants to suck her blood. He doesn’t understand? Then fucking tell him already you dopey girl. He had no idea how much you owe Jacob Black? Us, the readers, we owe Jacob Black because of the part of New Moon which was nice to read, and I will always be thankful for that. It irritates me that he pulled her car apart so that she couldn’t visit Jacob. It’s an example of how possessive and stalkerish he is. Also its an example of why he’s a hypocrite. He doesn’t stop her from hanging with dangerous vampires.
An accurate point is made by Bella when they’re discussing him leaving her in New Moon. “You were just trying to do the right thing. And I’m sure it would have worked on someone less mental than me” Damn right! There again us sane people probably would have not dated the vampire in the first place. You know, I think its something to do with the fact that they are perfectly capable of killing you, and really would like to drink your blood. Sure he’s a ‘vegetarian’ vampire but doesn’t mean he doesn’t get urges. But other than that moment of clarity Bella continues to be stupid. A quote best used to illustrate this is one where she described Alice’s passion for fashion. “My indifferent attitude to fashion was a constant thorn in her side. If I’d allow it, she’d love to dress me every day – perhaps several times a day – like some over-sized three-dimensional paper doll” So like a life-size Barbie doll. Or a mannequin. Or she wants to be your Gok Wan. All of these convey the fact you are a three-dimensional being who she wants to dress. Honestly for someone who’s supposed to be intelligent she is lacking in examples that she feels the need to make a long-winded example of the fact Alice likes to dress her up. She could have simply said Alice wants to treat her like a living mannequin.
Another example of Bella being supposedly intelligent is Edward makes some comment and then he’s so close to her that she tells us “I couldn’t remember the witty response I’d been about to make. I couldn’t remember my name” Firstly, BELLA MAKES WITTY RESPONSES? SINCE WHEN? DO THEY HAPPEN IN HER HEAD, OFF THE PAGES OF THE BOOK? I see no evidence to support this idea that she is witty. Secondly, I’m going to address the point of her forgetting her name. Its beautiful elegant bird. Because The Twilight Saga appears to effectively be the story of the ugly duckling. A clumsy human girl destined to be a graceful, elegant vampire. And Lauren Mallory is the nasty duck. And her surname looks like mallard duck. I am coming to the conclusion that virtually everyone’s based on something. “I was a very different person from my mother. Someone thoughtful and cautious. The responsible one, the grown up.” Thoughtful, cautious, responsible and grown up? Yeah not the words I’d use to describe Bella Swan. She doesn’t always act grown up, and the rest, well she’s too busy being an idiot and hanging with werewolves and vampires.
Edward is a dickhead and with-holds information that Victoria, (the latest vampire who wants to kill her. Well she wanted to kill her in the last book as well but wasn’t really on the scene that much.) is back in Forks. Bella is used to vampires wanting to kill her Edward you moron. It kinda became most of her life since you started dating her. Also she’s a danger magnet and as he said in this book that if you could bottle up her luck you’d have a weapon of mass destruction. Yet he feels the need to hide the truth from her. Way to go Edward you just graduated from being a mega-wanker. You are now a colossal wanker. Congratulations. I feel like headbutting a wall because there are people my age who want to date him. These people are also the type of people who’d complain that they always have horrible boyfriends and that there are no nice guys. Well maybe it’s because you have it in your head bad fictitious boyfriends would be good boyfriends and you make poor life decisions because of it. Bella’s solution for the Victoria problem is vampirification. “It seemed dangerous to be human – just begging for trouble. Someone like me shouldn’t be human. Someone with my luck ought to be a little less helpless.” I’ve read Breaking Dawn and I do declare that what Bella just said is bullshit. It’s dangerous because you are a numpty. An idiot. A moron. Dopey. Stupid. Incapable of making sensible life choices therefore you endanger your life. If I continue I will exhaust the English language of adjectives to describe Bella’s complete lack of common sense. So I think I’m just going to stop talking about how stupid she is. She will always find a way to hit a new rock-bottom. Anyway everyone was like no we don’t wanna vampire you up “So the consensus was that I was just supposed to forget that a deranged vampire stalking me, intent on my death. Go about my business.” Well look into Edward eyes you will forget your name. You hardly struggle to do that.
Jacob and Bella have a discussion about why she loves Edward. This should prove enlightening.
“Is that what it comes down to?” his voice abruptly sharper. “Good looks?”
“Don’t be stupid, Jacob.”
“Is it the money, then?” he persisted
“That’s nice, I muttered getting up from the tree. “I’m flattered that you think so much of me.” I turned my back on him and paced away.
“Aw, don’t get mad.” He was right behind me; he caught my wrist and spun me around.”I’m serious I’m trying to understand here and I’m coming up blank.”
“I love him. Not because he’s beautiful or because he’s rich!” I spat the word at Jacob. “I’d much rather he weren’t either one. It would even out the gap between us just a little bit – because he’d still be the most loving and unselfish and brilliant and decent person I’ve ever met. Of course I love him. How hard is that to understand?”
Firstly, it’s not about good looks? So you didn’t use every adjective possible to describe how beautiful and attractive you find him? You’d date him if he looked like Mike Newton? You’d date him if he looked like Eric Yorkie? Because I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t. Nobody wants to date someone they find unattractive. Secondly, Edward is unselfish? He tried to stop you seeing Jacob despite the fact you wanted to go see him. Why? Because he didn’t want you to. That’s called being selfish. Also he’s loving in a I’M GONNA WATCH YOU SLEEP AND MAKE SURE YOU DON’T DO ANYTHING I DISAGREE WITH WAY. Edward Cullen reminds me of that song by The Police ‘Every step you take’. Yup. Your logic is legit Bella. Legitimately flawed. Making sarcastic comments about Bella is like shooting fish in a barrel.
Even more ridiculous ‘Bella isn’t safe with werewolves’ conversations. This time Alice says “You shouldn’t be so reckless.” My voice turned acidic. “Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety conscious behaviour.” I don’t like Bella but I have to admit that it’s a good comeback. But she should have said something like this earlier to Edward.
I love Rosalie’s back story. I also love Jasper’s back story. I believe that they’re the two best-developed Cullens. Well technically they’re Hales. But their back stories add depth to them. It stops Rosalie coming across as a heartless vain bitch. Also Rosalie is a good mechanic. It’s nice to see her doing something that doesn’t conform to her gender stereotype. Especially after the remark made in New Moon about requiring a Y chromosome to understand the excitement with cars, bikes and mechanical stuff. It stops Jasper seeming so weak that he can’t really resist human blood. If everyone was developed better I might find it easier to read this book. I just think too much of the book revolves around Bella and her love life and that everyone else only ever matters when there’s danger. It’s also the reason why most of the characters never become nothing more than these two-dimensional, incredibly stereotypical characters, who I have no patience for.
Then we get to imprinting. Imprinting is first described as being “love at first sight, but more powerful” It’s then explained further “its hard to resist that level of commitment and adoration” Which basically sounds like child grooming especially after Quil imprints. Jacob appraised me with narrowed eyes. “Try not to be judgemental, okay? Claire is two” “Quil…. imprinted… with a two-year old? But she’s a baby” “You’re making judgements,” he accused. “I can see it on your face” I’m sitting here thinking this sounds creepy, which Bella verbalises (apparently there is a limit which Bella has when it comes to vampires and werewolves). Jacob defends it by saying “it’s not like that; you’ve got it all wrong… I’ve seen what its like, through his eyes. There’s nothing romantic about it at all, not for Quil, not now.” He took a deep breath, frustrated. “It’s hard to describe. It’s not like love at first sight, really. Its more like… gravity moves. When you see her, suddenly it’s not the earth holding you here any more. She does. And nothing matters more than her. And you would do anything for her, be anything for her… You become whats she needs you to be, whether that’s a protector, or a lover, or a friend, or brother.” It still sounds very paedaphilic. And also it still sounds like child grooming. Sure he won’t do anything now, but at some point in the future he will be her boyfriend. It’s the fact that at some point in the future he is going to have sex with her. “Why wouldn’t she choose him, in the end? He’ll be her perfect match. Like he was designed for her alone.” It just sounds like Claire is going to be groomed into loving him. It’s just really creepy. Sure he’s going to wait until she is legal but it doesn’t really make it seem better. And I am going to leave imprinting alone. Well until Breaking Dawn anyway.
There are some decent Jacob Black moments. My personal favourites are the moment he says to Bella “You’d be better off dead. I’d rather you were.” You have no idea how much I agree with Jacob. Just think if she’d died in Twilight we’d be safe from Breaking Dawn. *sighs*. Nope had to be happily ever after. Another favourite Jacob moment of mine is when he says this to Bella about her relationship with Edward “You know I saw this story on the news last week about controlling, abusive teenage relationships” Finally someone in the book notes how unhealthy Edward and Bella’s relationship. Hell this is Meyer acknowledging it but shipping it none-the-less. I mean seriously, in her writing Meyer makes accurate observations using her characters, but then sweeps them under a carpet as it gets in the way of what she wants. I don’t know whether I’d rather common sense was acknowledged but blatantly ignored or whether I’d be happier if they were so stupid that they couldn’t see logic. I find both infuriating to be honest. Such as the time Bella tells Alice it’s crazy to have a graduation party “You can’t be serious… you’ve completely lost your mind” They’ve all completely lost their minds. Bella appears to only have just noticed that everyone in Forks is either stupid, crazy, hypocritical or selfish. Sometimes a combination of them. It seems like the place where the USA sends all idiots.
Then the book gets to the part where I am angry with Meyer as she ruins two of my favourite characters, Jacob and Charlie. It irritates me that Jacob forces himself on Bella. It just seems out of character. I don’t condone his actions at all, however given the fact he’s after a girl who likes a creepy, controlling, stalker vampire I can see why he believed it was the best course of action. Especially when later we find out that Bella does love him romantically. I don’t think he’s right to do it, just when a girl thinks a guy breaking into her house and watching her sleep is hot and she thinks its love, I can kind of see what he was trying to do. I disagree with it. But I don’t think Jacob would have done it based on his character. Its more Meyer writing it that way to suit her plot ideas. Or rather lack of plot ideas since she appears to have done minimal original plotting. It makes me angry that Charlie congratulates Jake and is fine with the fact Jake forced himself on his daughter. It’s like no. NO. This isn’t the same Charlie. WRITE CONSISTENTLY MEYER YOU LAZY-ASS, POOR EXCUSE FOR A WRITER. This horrid section is made a little better later on when Charlie says to Bella “No matter what side I’m on, if someone kisses you without your permission, you should be able to make your feelings clear without hurting yourself. You didn’t keep your thumb in your fist did you?” I think it was kind of sweet in a Charlie way. But I still hate Meyer and her writing still sucks.
Then there comes the part where Bella is close to death and there aren’t many flaws there. I think it’s because despite the fact I know she won’t die, I like the mere possibility of her dying. Bella wallows in self-pity at being a bad person rather than attempting to fix it “I was selfish, I was hurtful. I tortured the ones I loved.” And she realises she is like Cathy because Meyer couldn’t be bothered to actually write an original plot. And Bella forgot to mention that she tortured everyone who read this book with her thought process and lack of personality. Honestly I can’t understand why virtually every male in Forks wants her. Why couldn’t Meyer have kept her wet dream in her head? Most people have the courtesy to keep their wet dreams to themselves. Stephenie Meyer, E.L James and many other bad erotica/romance authors decide to publish theirs. And I think this seems like a good note to finish on. Only Breaking Dawn to complete now. Breaking Dawn will have probably have to be a two parter judging by the length of this review.