Eclipse Review

WARNING: CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE, SARCASM AND SPOILERS

The first line of Eclipse is “All our attempts at subterfuge had been in vain” My attempts to busy myself so I wouldn’t make notes and didn’t have to put myself through reading this were also in vain. Damn my mind for telling me to commit to this. Oh well only this book then Breaking Dawn. Only this book then Breaking Dawn. I can do this.

A good point of Eclipse is that it starts with Charlie being very reasonable and logical “I don’t think you should dump all your other friends for your boyfriend, Bella… it’s not nice, and I think your life would be better balanced if you kept some other people in it” and he tells her to “keep it balanced.” All of this is good advice which Bella should listen to. BUT SHE’S BELLA SWAN, THE PERFECT EDWARD’S MOTHERFUCKING GIRLFRIEND SHE WILL DO WHAT SHE WANTS. It also irritates me that Meyer is going to make Charlie suck. FUCK YOU MEYER. FUCK YOU. WHY DO YOU CREATE A GLIMMER OF HOPE THEN SMASH IT LIKE HULK SMASHED LOKI? WHY? Oh yeah, because someone told you that you could write.

The theme that Meyer has used for this book because she’s too lazy to think of something is Wuthering Heights. Like in New Moon, Edward doesn’t have a high opinion on the book Meyer chose to copy and edit for her happy ending. “I don’t understand why you like it. The characters are ghastly people who ruin each others’ lives. I don’t know how Heathcliff and Cathy ended up being ranked with couples like Romeo and Juliet or Elizabeth Bennet and Mr Darcy. It isn’t a love story, its a hate story” Like New Moon his opinion on Wuthering Heights is right in my opinion. I am not a fan of the Bronte sisters. Another thing this has in common with New Moon is Bella gets huffy and angry when someone insults her favourite books. “You have some serious issues with the classics” I snapped. OOOooooo BE AFRAID BELLA SNAPPED. Seriously, she is like the least scary person ever. Then Edward asks her “honestly, though, why do you read it over and over again? What is it that appeals to you?” Please do tell Bella. Why is it you seem to have some fucked up idea of love that makes you want to date stalker vampire guys who call you their own personal brand of heroin? I am dying to know since I have to read this drivel. Bella’s reason is “I’m not sure, I think its something about the inevitability. How nothing can keep them apart- not her selfishness, or his evil or even death, in the end…” Inevitability sucks ass. Where’s the excitement in inevitability?. Edward says “I still think it would be a better story if either of them had one redeeming quality” Sorry are you talking about the Twilight Saga? Because right now it feels like it. The inevitability. Nothing keeping them apart- not her idiocy, his possessive stalkerness, werewolves, hungry vampires or the volturi. Neither have redeeming qualities. Bella’s response about that remark is “I think that may be the point,”I disagreed. “Their love is their only redeeming quality.” Well your love for each other isn’t your redeeming quality. And I am pretty sure te same goes for Heathcliff and Cathy.

Moving on, its time for Edward’s hypocritical moment of the book. This book Edward tells Bella she can’t hang round with Jacob because “you know its out of the question for you to be around a werewolf unprotected, Bella. And it would break the treaty if any of us cross over onto their land. Do you want us to start a war?” Bella argues that “it’s truly not dangerous at all,” I said pleading again. “I used to spend all day in La Push with the whole lot of them, and nothing ever happened.” But Edward won’t have any of it “Werewolves are unstable. Sometimes, the people near them get hurt. Sometimes they get killed.” Because vampires are totally safe to be around 100% of the time. It’s why Jasper wanted to drain Bella dry when she got a paper cut in New Moon, Edward left, Bella became ‘Xtreme Bella’, she started hanging out with werewolves, jumped off a cliff and Edward almost killed himself. Vampires epitome of safety. Bella’s internal monologue that the reader is subjected to says “I knew I must be patient with Edward. It wasn’t that he was unreasonable, it was just that he didn’t understand. He had no idea how very much I owed Jacob Black – my life so many times over, and possibly my sanity, too” You have to be patient with Edward because he’s not being unreasonable? He is being unreasonable. You can’t say werewolves are dangerous to someone when you’re a fucking vampire who wants to suck her blood. He doesn’t understand? Then fucking tell him already you dopey girl. He had no idea how much you owe Jacob Black? Us, the readers, we owe Jacob Black because of the part of New Moon which was nice to read, and I will always be thankful for that. It irritates me that he pulled her car apart so that she couldn’t visit Jacob. It’s an example of how possessive and stalkerish he is. Also its an example of why he’s a hypocrite. He doesn’t stop her from hanging with dangerous vampires.

An accurate point is made by Bella when they’re discussing him leaving her in New Moon. “You were just trying to do the right thing. And I’m sure it would have worked on someone less mental than me” Damn right! There again us sane people probably would have not dated the vampire in the first place. You know, I think its something to do with the fact that they are perfectly capable of killing you, and really would like to drink your blood. Sure he’s a ‘vegetarian’ vampire but doesn’t mean he doesn’t get urges. But other than that moment of clarity Bella continues to be stupid. A quote best used to illustrate this is one where she described Alice’s passion for fashion. “My indifferent attitude to fashion was a constant thorn in her side. If I’d allow it, she’d love to dress me every day – perhaps several times a day – like some over-sized three-dimensional paper doll” So like a life-size Barbie doll. Or a mannequin. Or she wants to be your Gok Wan. All of these convey the fact you are a three-dimensional being who she wants to dress. Honestly for someone who’s supposed to be intelligent she is lacking in examples that she feels the need to make a long-winded example of the fact Alice likes to dress her up. She could have simply said Alice wants to treat her like a living mannequin.

Another example of Bella being supposedly intelligent is Edward makes some comment and then he’s so close to her that she tells us “I couldn’t remember the witty response I’d been about to make. I couldn’t remember my name” Firstly, BELLA MAKES WITTY RESPONSES? SINCE WHEN? DO THEY HAPPEN IN HER HEAD, OFF THE PAGES OF THE BOOK? I see no evidence to support this idea that she is witty. Secondly, I’m going to address the point of her forgetting her name. Its beautiful elegant bird. Because The Twilight Saga appears to effectively be the story of the ugly duckling. A clumsy human girl destined to be a graceful, elegant vampire. And Lauren Mallory is the nasty duck. And her surname looks like mallard duck. I am coming to the conclusion that virtually everyone’s based on something. “I was a very different person from my mother. Someone thoughtful and cautious. The responsible one, the grown up.” Thoughtful, cautious, responsible and grown up? Yeah not the words I’d use to describe Bella Swan. She doesn’t always act grown up, and the rest, well she’s too busy being an idiot and hanging with werewolves and vampires.

Edward is a dickhead and with-holds information that Victoria, (the latest vampire who wants to kill her. Well she wanted to kill her in the last book as well but wasn’t really on the scene that much.) is back in Forks. Bella is used to vampires wanting to kill her Edward you moron. It kinda became most of her life since you started dating her. Also she’s a danger magnet and as he said in this book that if you could bottle up her luck you’d have a weapon of mass destruction. Yet he feels the need to hide the truth from her. Way to go Edward you just graduated from being a mega-wanker. You are now a colossal wanker. Congratulations. I feel like headbutting a wall because there are people my age who want to date him. These people are also the type of people who’d complain that they always have horrible boyfriends and that there are no nice guys. Well maybe it’s because you have it in your head bad fictitious boyfriends would be good boyfriends and you make poor life decisions because of it. Bella’s solution for the Victoria problem is vampirification. “It seemed dangerous to be human – just begging for trouble. Someone like me shouldn’t be human. Someone with my luck ought to be a little less helpless.” I’ve read Breaking Dawn and I do declare that what Bella just said is bullshit. It’s dangerous because you are a numpty. An idiot. A moron. Dopey. Stupid. Incapable of making sensible life choices therefore you endanger your life. If I continue I will exhaust the English language of adjectives to describe Bella’s complete lack of common sense. So I think I’m just going to stop talking about how stupid she is. She will always find a way to hit a new rock-bottom. Anyway everyone was like no we don’t wanna vampire you up “So the consensus was that I was just supposed to forget that a deranged vampire stalking me, intent on my death. Go about my business.” Well look into Edward eyes you will forget your name. You hardly struggle to do that.

Jacob and Bella have a discussion about why she loves Edward. This should prove enlightening.

“Is that what it comes down to?” his voice abruptly sharper. “Good looks?”

“Don’t be stupid, Jacob.”

“Is it the money, then?” he persisted

“That’s nice, I muttered getting up from the tree. “I’m flattered that you think so much of me.” I turned my back on him and paced away.

“Aw, don’t get mad.” He was right behind me; he caught my wrist and spun me around.”I’m serious I’m trying to understand here and I’m coming up blank.”

“I love him. Not because he’s beautiful or because he’s rich!” I spat the word at Jacob. “I’d much rather he weren’t either one. It would even out the gap between us just a little bit – because he’d still be the most loving and unselfish and brilliant and decent person I’ve ever met. Of course I love him. How hard is that to understand?”

Firstly, it’s not about good looks? So you didn’t use every adjective possible to describe how beautiful and attractive you find him? You’d date him if he looked like Mike Newton? You’d date him if he looked like Eric Yorkie? Because I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t. Nobody wants to date someone they find unattractive. Secondly, Edward is unselfish? He tried to stop you seeing Jacob despite the fact you wanted to go see him. Why? Because he didn’t want you to. That’s called being selfish. Also he’s loving in a I’M GONNA WATCH YOU SLEEP AND MAKE SURE YOU DON’T DO ANYTHING I DISAGREE WITH WAY. Edward Cullen reminds me of that song by The Police ‘Every step you take’. Yup. Your logic is legit Bella. Legitimately flawed. Making sarcastic comments about Bella is like shooting fish in a barrel.

Even more ridiculous ‘Bella isn’t safe with werewolves’ conversations. This time Alice says “You shouldn’t be so reckless.” My voice turned acidic. “Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety conscious behaviour.” I don’t like Bella but I have to admit that it’s a good comeback. But she should have said something like this earlier to Edward.

I love Rosalie’s back story. I also love Jasper’s back story. I believe that they’re the two best-developed Cullens. Well technically they’re Hales. But their back stories add depth to them. It stops Rosalie coming across as a heartless vain bitch. Also Rosalie is a good mechanic. It’s nice to see her doing something that doesn’t conform to her gender stereotype. Especially after the remark made in New Moon about requiring a Y chromosome to understand the excitement with cars, bikes and mechanical stuff. It stops Jasper seeming so weak that he can’t really resist human blood. If everyone was developed better I might find it easier to read this book. I just think too much of the book revolves around Bella and her love life and that everyone else only ever matters when there’s danger. It’s also the reason why most of the characters never become nothing more than these two-dimensional, incredibly stereotypical characters, who I have no patience for.

Then we get to imprinting. Imprinting is first described as being “love at first sight, but more powerful” It’s then explained further “its hard to resist that level of commitment and adoration” Which basically sounds like child grooming especially after Quil imprints. Jacob appraised me with narrowed eyes. “Try not to be judgemental, okay? Claire is two” “Quil…. imprinted… with a two-year old? But she’s a baby” “You’re making judgements,” he accused. “I can see it on your face” I’m sitting here thinking this sounds creepy, which Bella verbalises (apparently there is a limit which Bella has when it comes to vampires and werewolves). Jacob defends it by saying “it’s not like that; you’ve got it all wrong… I’ve seen what its like, through his eyes. There’s nothing romantic about it at all, not for Quil, not now.” He took a deep breath, frustrated. “It’s hard to describe. It’s not like love at first sight, really. Its more like… gravity moves. When you see her, suddenly it’s not the earth holding you here any more. She does. And nothing matters more than her. And you would do anything for her, be anything for her… You become whats she needs you to be, whether that’s a protector, or a lover, or a friend, or brother.” It still sounds very paedaphilic. And also it still sounds like child grooming. Sure he won’t do anything now, but at some point in the future he will be her boyfriend. It’s the fact that at some point in the future he is going to have sex with her. “Why wouldn’t she choose him, in the end? He’ll be her perfect match. Like he was designed for her alone.” It just sounds like Claire is going to be groomed into loving him. It’s just really creepy. Sure he’s going to wait until she is legal but it doesn’t really make it seem better. And I am going to leave imprinting alone. Well until Breaking Dawn anyway.

There are some decent Jacob Black moments. My personal favourites are the moment he says to Bella “You’d be better off dead. I’d rather you were.” You have no idea how much I agree with Jacob. Just think if she’d died in Twilight we’d be safe from Breaking Dawn. *sighs*. Nope had to be happily ever after. Another favourite Jacob moment of mine is when he says this to Bella about her relationship with Edward “You know I saw this story on the news last week about controlling, abusive teenage relationships” Finally someone in the book notes how unhealthy Edward and Bella’s relationship. Hell this is Meyer acknowledging it but shipping it none-the-less. I mean seriously, in her writing Meyer makes accurate observations using her characters, but then sweeps them under a carpet as it gets in the way of what she wants. I don’t know whether I’d rather common sense was acknowledged but blatantly ignored or whether I’d be happier if they were so stupid that they couldn’t see logic. I find both infuriating to be honest. Such as the time Bella tells Alice it’s crazy to have a graduation party “You can’t be serious… you’ve completely lost your mind” They’ve all completely lost their minds. Bella appears to only have just noticed that everyone in Forks is either stupid, crazy, hypocritical or selfish. Sometimes a combination of them. It seems like the place where the USA sends all idiots.

Then the book gets to the part where I am angry with Meyer as she ruins two of my favourite characters, Jacob and Charlie. It irritates me that Jacob forces himself on Bella. It just seems out of character. I don’t condone his actions at all, however given the fact he’s after a girl who likes a creepy, controlling, stalker vampire I can see why he believed it was the best course of action. Especially when later we find out that Bella does love him romantically. I don’t think he’s right to do it, just when a girl thinks a guy breaking into her house and watching her sleep is hot and she thinks its love, I can kind of see what he was trying to do. I disagree with it. But I don’t think Jacob would have done it based on his character. Its more Meyer writing it that way to suit her plot ideas. Or rather lack of plot ideas since she appears to have done minimal original plotting. It makes me angry that Charlie congratulates Jake and is fine with the fact Jake forced himself on his daughter. It’s like no. NO. This isn’t the same Charlie. WRITE CONSISTENTLY MEYER YOU LAZY-ASS, POOR EXCUSE FOR A WRITER. This horrid section is made a little better later on when Charlie says to Bella “No matter what side I’m on, if someone kisses you without your permission, you should be able to make your feelings clear without hurting yourself. You didn’t keep your thumb in your fist did you?” I think it was kind of sweet in a Charlie way. But I still hate Meyer and her writing still sucks.

Then there comes the part where Bella is close to death and there aren’t many flaws there. I think it’s because despite the fact I know she won’t die, I like the mere possibility of her dying. Bella wallows in self-pity at being a bad person rather than attempting to fix it “I was selfish, I was hurtful. I tortured the ones I loved.” And she realises she is like Cathy because Meyer couldn’t be bothered to actually write an original plot. And Bella forgot to mention that she tortured everyone who read this book with her thought process and lack of personality. Honestly I can’t understand why virtually every male in Forks wants her. Why couldn’t Meyer have kept her wet dream in her head? Most people have the courtesy to keep their wet dreams to themselves. Stephenie Meyer, E.L James and many other bad erotica/romance authors decide to publish theirs. And I think this seems like a good note to finish on. Only Breaking Dawn to complete now. Breaking Dawn will have probably have to be a two parter judging by the length of this review.

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New Moon Review

WARNING THIS REVIEW CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE, SARCASM AND SPOILERS

This review was originally published on my other blog thegoddamngutpuncher.wordpress.com

I just read the first line of New Moon “I felt like I was trapped in one of those terrifying nightmares” WELCOME TO THE CLUB BELLA I AM RE-READING NEW MOON. I am subjecting myself to this in order to make fair comments about it as I like to accurately criticise things because I believe that basing my opinions on what other people think is a bad idea as not everyone has the same tastes and ideas. Some would think having a vampire for a boyfriend is incredibly stupid, others like Bella believe it’s a good idea.

This brings me to my first point that Bella is kind of stupid and really values Edward too much “I wasn’t running for my life; I was racing for something infinitely more precious. My own life meant little to me today” Bella needs to get her priorities and her life view right. She still has a screwed up idea of Edward being a god and she has no value of her own life.

I really dislike the part where Bella doesn’t want to celebrate her birthday or anyone to know it’s her birthday. She doesn’t want a party but Alice plans one anyway and Edward decides he’s going to make her go. I dislike it a lot because I am not a fan of celebrating my birthday not because I don’t like getting older like Bella, just I personally find it kind of anti-climatic as I have been aging all year and I feel no different really. Therefore the fact she was forced to celebrate her birthday (before it ended with a paper cut) makes me sympathise with Bella as I too would hate being thrown a party.

Another flaw with New Moon (and the entire saga really) is the fact that Bella says this “Attention is never a good thing, as any other accident prone klutz would agree” Bella rarely falls over. She doesn’t knock things over. She just doesn’t do klutzy things regularly enough, especially in the film, to earn the label klutz. Later she goes on to say that Edward treats her “like I was especially breakable” well you’re supposed to be klutzy Bella and he’s superhuman you don’t want to be mangled “which was exactly the case, compared with him, at least” I have a problem with this as she is supposed to be a klutz. She should be more likely to break than virtually everyone other than other klutzs but she’s acting like Edward is being unreasonable despite the fact she says she is a clumsy.

The part that amuses me most is when Edward talks about Romeo and Bella gets offended. Edward: You know I’ve never had much patience with Romeo. I have never had much patience for you or Romeo to be honest.“Whats wrong with Romeo?” I asked, a little offended. Romeo was one of my favourite fictional characters. Until I’d met Edward, I’d sort of had a thing for him. < Of course you did Bella as you don’t actually seem to possess common sense. “Well first of all, he’s in love with this Rosaline – don’t you think it makes him seem fickle? And then a few minutes after their wedding he kills Juliet’s cousin. That’s not very brilliant. Mistake after mistake. Could he have destroyed his own happiness any more thoroughly?” < Firstly that’s accurate. Secondly, foreshadowing much. Thirdly in Twilight he was about as intelligent as Romeo, so he can’t really talk as his over-protectiveness was what made James even more hell-bent on trying to kill Bella. I see all the brightest minds live in Forks.

However not only is Edward kind of hypocritical but Bella also likes to indulge occasionally “No matter what might ever happen to me, you are not allowed to hurt yourself” Hypocritical much Bella? You think its ok to do moronic things and hurt yourself in the process, but no your vampire boyfriend can’t do stupid things, despite the fact that like you he is not as intelligent as the books claim he is.

This part of New Moon really confused me. “Unlike Alice, Edward’s other “adopted” sister, the golden exquisite Rosalie didn’t like me very much. Actually the feeling was a little bit stronger than dislike” Can’t say I blame Rosalie to be honest. But the thing that bugs me is the use of exquisite. Why would Bella describe Rosalie as exquisite? It just seems like an odd choice of adjective. I don’t believe she’s used exquisite to describe even the most precious perfection that is Edward. Strange.

“It was a hundred times worse than I had imagined” (her thoughts about her birthday party) It’s more like foreshadowing the rest of the saga. Particularly Breaking Dawn.

This particlarly grabbed my attention “Why are you so masochistic?” When I read this part I actually felt like it personally spoke to me as by this point I was wondering do I really have to read the rest of this. I am doing it for my blog. Why am I inflicting this on myself for my blog again? But to answer the question from the quote, everyone in the book appears to be a masochist who likes to suffer. They seem to go out of their way to make life difficult for themselves.

On her way to the break-up in the woods Bella is thinking “this is bad this is very bad”  NO, THIS IS WHERE THE BOOK IS ACTUALLY GONNA GET GOOD AS WE WON’T HEAR CONSTANT ADJECTIVES ABOUT EDWARD. Finally, after so many pages of boring it getting closer to my favourite part of the book.

Some further evidence of Charlie being a pet hamster “Don’t do anything reckless or stupid” he ordered… “I’m thinking of Charlie of course. He needs you” CHARLIE ISN’T A PET HAMSTER. IF CHARLIE HONESTLY NEEDED THIS LEVEL OF CARE ALL THESE YEARS HE’D BE DEAD ALREADY. Whilst Charlie doesn’t want her to die he doesn’t need her the way The Twilight Saga implies. How exactly did he survive so long without her if he needs her this much?

Bella reaches new levels of stupidity when she lies in the woods upset and lost like an idiot and when people were nearby called her name, she didn’t reply. I probably hate depressed “my life is over” Bella more than I hate regular Bella. As when she’s being all zombie like its even more irritating than her normal behaviour because finally Edward’s out of her life and she is just there wanting him back. I want to slap her and tell her to get a grip. I have no patience for depressed zombie Bella.

I’m going to skim over all the zombie passage and not make any further comment on how I hate her lifeless zombieself and focus on the Port Angeles incident. AKA when Bella approaches the strangers in Port Angeles because she thinks one was part of the group of men who would have raped her had Edward not saved her. Jessica asks her “Are you crazy? Are you suicidal?” Which to be honest seems like a logical thought process to me. It’s not exactly sensible but there again Bella was never sensible. Bella responds “No. I’m not” My voice sounded defensive but it was true. I wasn’t suicidal. Even in the beginning, when death unquestionably would have been a relief, I didn’t consider it. I owed too much to Charlie. I felt too reponsible for Renee. I had to think of them. And I’d made a promise not to do anything stupid or reckless For all those reasons, I was still breathing” This quote is the reason why it irritates me when people say Bella was trying to kill herself as she wasn’t at any point trying to kill herself. She turned into an adrenaline junkie in order to experience hallucinations of Edward telling her not to kill herself because she missed him. When she jumped off the cliff she wasn’t trying to kill herself. She was going to go cliff diving with Jacob recreationally. She especialy wasn’t trying to kill herself because she was friends with Jacob and he was making her feel more like herself. She wasn’t even at the depressed stage. Frankly it was the fact it was stormy and that she went alone which are the reasons why she almost drowned. As she has previously proved she’s not the sharpest knife in the draw and she requires 24/7 care because her decision-making skills are severly lacking.

Before she jumped she was thinking “I knew this was the stupidest, most reckless thing I had done yetWhilst she was drowning she thinks “I didn’t want to fight anymore. And it wasn’t the light-headedness, or the cold or the failure of my arms as the muscles gave out in exhaustion, that made me content to stay where I was. I was almost happy that it was over. This was an easier death than others I’d faced. Oddly peaceful.” Further evidence to support the fact that didn’t intentionally decide to kill herself. She believed she was going to drown. She didn’t intend on drowning. She was happy to die like that since it seemed she wouldn’t be saved. She’d accepted that there wasn’t anything within her power that she could do about it. After she almost dies she realises the stupidity of her actions because of Harry Clearwater’s heart attack and she decides she’s going to live sensibly and not be an adrenaline junkie anymore. Proving that she isn’t suicidal, as if she were then she would not stop doing things that endanger her life.

Now to get back to my favourite part of the book. After the Port Angeles incident she thinks more rationally and says she will be able to cope. This is probably one of my favourite parts because Bella stops thinking that she can’t live without Edward and that there’s life after Edward. It’s a turning point. It’s nice to see her getting a grip. Another reason why Edward’s absence is my favourite part of New Moon is the development of Jacob and Bella’s friendship. The first time she sees him in the book she feels instantly happier ;“I felt an unfamiliar surge of enthusiasm at his smile. I realized I was pleased to see him. This knowledge surprised me.” and then she realises“I’d forgotten how much I really like Jacob Black” Me too, Bella. After Eclipse and Breaking Dawn I had forgotten how much I like Jacob Black as a character in New Moon. It’s a shame that he’s going to become a character I dislike. “Jacob was a gift from the gods”  EVERYTHING CHANGED WHEN STEPHENIE MEYER ATTACKED. The fact they have banter about how old they are and why their life skills are better than the others makes them a better couple than Edward and Bella were in my opinion. You watch their relationship develop from friendship into love, which Bella doesn’t realise. Where as Edward and Bella’s relationship can be summed up like so “I have a hard to control urge to kill you and I like to watch you sleep lets date” “OMG HE STALKS ME! HE IS THAT COMMITTED AND HE’S SO PERFECT AND HOT. I WILL DATE A HUNGRY VAMPIRE SINCE HE’S CREEPILY COMMITTED AND HOT” I think Bella needs help. And that she should have picked Jacob in New Moon. I also like the way the wolf pack are written in New Moon. I think they’re written better than the Cullens. They just seem to be written more realistically and less stereotypically.

It irritates me that there is gender stereotyping about liking motorbikes and cars and being interested in mechanics “I figured I’d have to have a Y chromosome to understand the excitement” How about fuck your gender stereotypes. Just because someone is female and has two X chromosomes doesn’t mean they can’t get excited about that stuff. You’re hardly an example of normal are you Bella.

Bella’s thoughts on Romeo and Juliet’s story differing actually intrigue me because I think that the things she says would make Romeo and Juliet better. I probably think that because she’s putting herself and Jacob as the couple in that storyline. ” I was reading too much into the story. Romeo wouldn’t change his mind. That’s why people still remembered his name, always twined with hers: Romeo and Juliet. That’s why it’s a good story. Juliet gets dumped and ends up with Paris would never have been a hit” Firstly I don’t think Romeo and Juliet is a good story I think its melodramatic nonsense. Secondly who’d want to end up like Romeo and Juliet. Thirdly Juliet gets dumped and ends up with Paris is the story of quite a few rom-coms. Lastly basing her story on Romeo and Juliet makes Meyer a lazy writer and I’m not sure why she did it as there are better love stories that you could base your book on.

Then it came time for the disappointing part which makes me wish Bella was a suicidal character that had been trying to kill herself and had succeeded. “There’s a vampire in your house” Jacob hissed “and you want to go back?” “Of course” I said. Enter the Cullens again and Bella loses all respect she’d earned in this book. I could go on about how ridiculous Edward is, how ridiculously over-dramatic it was, how the Volturi amuse me and other things. However Bella’s stupidity seems like a good note to end on. That, and I am hit with the realisation that I am going to have to read through Eclipse and Breaking Dawn and review them. Things only get worse from here. I already want to gutpunch Meyer for those books and I am not reading them to make notes yet. FML. I had to decide to review them. I’m kind of glad I did as reading the good parts of New Moon might make it worth.

The Little Mermaid Trilogy Review

WARNING; CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE, SPOILERS, A LOT OF ARIEL HATRED AND A LOT OF CAPS LOCK.

A while back me and my friends were discussing how none of us really liked Disney princesses and for me I have always had a clear worst Disney princess of all time. I hate Ariel, I absolutely hate her. Well from what I could remember so I decided to re-watch the first and watch the sequel and the prequel for the first time because my friends thought I should blog about it. So these are my mainly unedited thoughts whilst watching the films.

So I started with the Little Mermaid, the film where my hatred of Ariel first began. FUCKING ARIEL. SEBASTIAN IS MY PRECIOUS BABY. I’D FORGOTTEN SEBASTIAN WAS THROWING A CONCERT SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO SING IN BUT SHE DIDN’T SHOW. THE BITCH. I’d also forgotten that she mocks Flounder for being afraid of sharks. HEY ARIEL ITS CALLED THE FOOD CHAIN ITS CALLED BEING FUCKING REALISTIC. AND SHE LEAVES DURING “UNDER THE SEA” WHICH  IS SO RUDE. I MEAN SOMEONE DOES AN ENTIRE MUSIC AND DANCE NUMBER JUST FOR YOU AND SHE CAN’T FUCKING STAY UNTIL THE END. She’s so selfish and inconsiderate. There’s chasing your dreams acceptably and there’s TREATING YOU FRIENDS LIKE SHIT AND NOT GIVING A FUCK ABOUT YOUR FAMILY AND SELLING OUR SOUL TO AN OCTOPUS WITCH TO CHASE A GUY WHO YOU SAW ONCE AND SEEMED NICE. Ariel prefers the latter.

See I have never seen Ursula as evil, as she did explain to Ariel what she was going to do and what Ariel would lose if she failed and Ariel agreed anyway. You may have noticed already that I hate Ariel a lot and do not sympathise with her at all.

POOR SEBASTIAN. My precious baby. Triton assigns him to watch Ariel and keep her out of trouble and what does Ariel go do? She goes and sells her soul to Ursula. Yeah just fuck Sebastian over why don’t you for just doing his job. Ursula is quite the saleswoman talking Ariel out of her voice and potentially her soul for a couple of days with legs or a whole lifetime if it goes right. I mean damn Ariel has a whole lot to lose over a guy who could potentially not want to even kiss her. But he does because this is Disney.

I think the thing that pisses me off the most is that the only time Ariel says thank you is the time Flounder gets her that statue of Prince Eric. UNGRATEFUL LITTLE SHIT. Also owning a statue of the Prince you met once but fell in love with is just creepy. VERY CREEPY. But if anyone deserved thanks it was Sebastian. Sebastian sang “Kiss the Girl” and almost succeeded in getting Eric to kiss Ariel, which was ruined by Ursula’s moray eels Flotsam and Jetsam. Even though Ariel sold her soul to Ursula and could have got Sebastian fired by her dad and she made his life real difficult he helped her. SEBASTIAN THE CRAB IS A FUCKING TOP WINGMAN. Also the crazy French chef attempted to kill Sebastian whilst he was trying to help her. Seriously, he didn’t get a thank you or any recognition for all he sacrificed to help her. SELFISH, INCONSIDERATE BITCH NEARLY GOT MY PRECIOUS BABY KILLED BECAUSE HE’S LOYAL TO KING TRITON.

King Triton is pretty awesome for a single father raising a dickload of daughters. He has as many daughters as the Weasley’s have sons. I know he destroyed Ariel’s human collection but dude he’s trying to keep her safe and he thought he was doing the right thing and he was so sorry when Ariel went missing. Triton was only worried about her safety and how is he re-paid? Ariel dooms the fucking world because she fancied some guy.

FUCKING ARIEL. That is literally a two-word sum up of my thoughts on the little mermaid. FUCKING ARIEL.

Now onto the Little Mermaid 2 Return to the Sea. SPOILER ALERT ARIEL’S A DICK IN THE SEQUEL TOO.

Basically like her dad said she couldn’t go near land/humans, she forbids her daughter from going near water.  Ursula’s sister Morgana is understandably a bit pissed off that her sister was murdered by Eric and Ariel. So understandably she almost kidnapped Melody but the day was saved by Triton tho Morgana escaped. ARIEL’S SOLUTION? SHE BUILDS A GIANT FUCKING WALL. OK WHERE IS THE FUCKING SENSE IN NOT INFORMING YOUR DAUGHTER WHY SHE CAN’T GO IN THE SEA EVER OR ABOUT HER MERPEOPLE ANCESTORY? LACK OF INFORMATION CAUSES SERIOUS REBELLION PROBLEMS. WANTING HER TO STAY OUT OF THE SEA IS FAIR ENOUGH, BUT NOT EXPLAINING TO HER WHY SHE SHOULD IS SO STUPID. Ariel wants to tell her the truth after she has run off. DUDE THE TIME TO TELL HER THE TRUTH WOULD HAVE BEEN BEFORE THE MOMENT SHE FOUND THAT YOU HAD BEEN KEEPING STUFF FROM HER AND RAN OFF. DOESN’T SHE RECALL THE TIME SHE SOLD HER VOICE AND SOUL TO BE WITH ERIC AFTER HER DAD DESTROYED STATUE ERIC? SURELY SHE MUST HAVE NOTICED THE DEJA VU. Oh wait that’s expecting her to have some basic intelligence which she doesn’t possess otherwise she wouldn’t have sold her soul to Ursula.

AND MELODY IGNORED SEBASTIAN AS WELL. FUCKING MERMAIDS. To be fair I don’t have a problem with Melody like I have with Ariel, because Melody is naïve and doesn’t know Morgana is evil. To think if you’d explained to your daughter that Octopi witches are evil which is why you built a giant wall and why she isn’t allowed in the ocean then this whole mess could’ve been avoided. My problem with Ariel is that SHE KNEW URSULA WAS AN EVIL SEA WITCH AND WENT ANYWAY.

SO LET ME SUM THIS UP THE LITTLE MERMAID 2 IS ARIEL FUCKING UP AT PARENTING AND CAUSING ANOTHER EVIL OCTOPUS WITCH TO ALMOST KILL HER, ERIC AND TRITON. ARIEL SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED TO MAKE LIFE DECISIONS.

TITANIC TIP AND DARING DASH ADVENTURERS/EXPLORERS ARE THE BEST. SO MUCH BETTER THAN FLOUNDER. THOUGH IT FEELS LIKE THEY’RE TRYING TO BE THE TIMONEAND PUMBA OF THE SEA. THEY’RE AFRAID OF EVERYTHING ONE IS BIG AND FAT, THE OTHER IS SHORT AND SKINNIER AND THEY’RE BOTH OUTCASTS. THEY’RE THE TIMONE AND PUMBA OF THE SEA, EXCEPT THEY’RE KIND OF MORE AWESOME BECAUSE THEY’RE TRYING TO BE ADVENTURERS/EXPLORERS AND TRYING TO BEAT THEIR FEARS. WHEREAS TIMONE AND PUMBA EXPLOITED THE FACT SIMBA WAS THE PREDATOR OF THE FOOD CHAIN TO DEFEND THEMSELVES. WHEREAS TIP AND DASH ARE HELPING MELODY BECAUSE THEY GENIUINELY WANT TO HELP PEOPLE.

AND WHY THE FUCK WOULD TRITON LEAVE HIS TRIDENT LYING AROUND? I MEAN DUDE THERE’S AN EVIL SEA WITCH AFTER IT ALL THE FUCKING TIME. YOU GOTTA KEEP TABS ON IT.

K MELODY YOU DUMB SPITEFUL BITCH YOU DON’T GIVE THE TRIDENT TO THE OCTOPUS WITCH YOU HAVE JUST MET BECAUSE YOUR MUM FUCKED UP. OH YEAH JUST DOOM THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD BECAUSE YOU HAVE MUMMY ISSUES. THIS COULD HAVE ALL BEEN AVOIDED IF ARIEL HAD TOLD HER THE TRUTH. I blame Ariel again for this near destruction of the world rather than Melody as she raised her daughter to be RIDICULOUSLY naïve and she didn’t tell her the truth. I could see why some people might do that if they were in Melody’s shoes. BUT, it’s still stupid and spiteful.

NO ONE EVER DOES ANYTHING GOOD FOR YOU OUT OF THE KINDNESS OF THEIR HEARTS TBH. THAT’S PRETTY ACCURATE UNFORTUNATLEY. I MEAN YOU CAN MARRY AN OLD BILLIONAIRE BUT YOU HAVE TO FUCK HIM IF YOU WANT HIS MONEY. HE WON’T JUST GIVE IT TO YOU. AN EVIL SEA WITCH MIGHT TURN YOU INTO A MERMAID BUT SHE’LL MAKE YOU STEAL FROM YOUR GRANDFATHER AND FUCK YOU OVER FOR ONLY A COUPLE OF DAYS OF BEING A MERMAID. SHE’LL ALSO ATTEMPT TO KILL YOR PARENTS, YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND RULE THE WORLD. ARIEL NEARLY CAUSED TWO DIFFERENT SEA WITCHES TO RULE THE WORLD AND KILL EVERYONE SHE LOVES BY BEING AN IDIOT AND NOT TRUSTING HER DAUGHTER.

NOW FOR LITTLE MERMAID 3. SOMEONE FUCKING HELP ME. WHY AM I SUBJECTING MYSELF TO ALL THIS ARIEL IN ONE NIGHT? Some people are probably thinking “WAIT THERE’S A LITTLE MERMAID 3?” Yeah there is, it’s called Ariel’s beginning. It’s a prequel.

This film begins by introducing Ariel’s mum. Her mum dies in the beginning because she tries to save a music box whilst every other sensible merperson is getting the fuck out of the way of the pirate ship SO THEY DON’T GET CRUSHED TO DEATH. I MEAN DUDE SURE TRITON GAVE IT TO YOU AND IT PLAYED YOUR SONG BUT YOU SACRIFICED YOUR LIFE, AND SPENDING THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH YOUR HUSBAND AND YOUR 7 DAUGHTERS OVER A BOX THAT PLAYED YOUR AND YOUR HUSBAND’S SONG REALLY? REALLY? WHAT THE FUCK? FUCKING ATHENA. ARE ALL THE WOMEN OF THAT LINE SO FUCKING ANNOYING? APPARENTLY ITS THE LINE OF STUPIDITY.

OH AND APPARENTLY TRITON BANNED MUSIC IN ATLANTICA BECAUSE HIS WIFE DIED OVER A FUCKING MUSIC BOX. GET A GRIP TRITON YOUR WIFE DIED BECAUSE SHE WAS STUPID. THAT’S LIKE ME BANNING CARS BECAUSE MY PET CAT GOT HIT BY ONE. ITS ILLOGICAL. I CAN NOW SEE WHY TRITON DIDNT WANT ARIEL NEAR THE SURFACE WORLD, HE SAW THAT THE STUPIDITY WAS STORNG IN THIS ONE.

MARINA DEL RAY IS THE SASSIEST MOHTERFUCKING VILLAIN EVER. SHE’S HAVING A FASHION MONTAGE. BUT SHE’S TRYING TO SABOTAGE MY FAV SEBASTIAN. THE CONFLICTED EMOTIONS I AM FEELING RIGHT NOW. BUT DAMN IS IT NICE TO HAVE A MERMAID AS THE VILLAIN. I MEAN ALL THESE EVIL OCTOPI WITCHES IS STEREOTYPING OCTOPI. SEBASTIAN IS KINDA A DOUCHE IN THIS THO. BUT GIVEN THAT TRITON IS BEING REALLY STRICT I CAN SEE WHY SEBASTIAN HAS TO BE A DOUCHE.

MARINA IS FABULOUS. AND SHE DOESN’T LIKE THE MERMAID PRINCESSES EITHER. ME AND HER HAVE THAT IN COMMON. I AM THE MARINA DEL RAY APPRECIATION SOCIETY CHAIRWOMAN.

OMG THERES A SECRET CLUB CALLED THE CATFISH CLUB WITH A BAND. ITS LIKE A SPEAKEASY FROM PROHIBITION TIME IN AMERICA. AND FLOUNDER IS A PART OF IT. WHEN DID FLOUNDER GET LAME I MEAN DUDE PART OF A PROHIBITED NIGHT CLUB WITH MUSIC AND DANCING TO BEING HER LAME SIDEKICK? YOU WENT DOWN IN THE WORLD FLOUNDER.

SEBASTIAN SINGS AT THE PROHIBITED CLUB WHAT A BABE. OMG ARIEL AND HER SISTERS HITTING THE CATFISH CLUB TOGETHER. I LIKE ARIEL MORE IN THIS ONE. SHE’S LESS STUPID AND SELFISH AND MORE I DON’T WANNA LIVE A BORING MUSICLESS LIFE. MAYBE THE SAME “NOW YOU’RE CRAP” THING HIT BOTH HER AND FLOUNDER. It would explain a few things.

SHIT MARINA’S GONNA RUIN THE CATFISH CLUB, kinda less of a fan of her now. YOU KNOW TRITON SUCKS IN THIS FILM. ITS LIKE DUDE JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE MISERABLE BECAUSE YOUR WIFE WAS A MORON DOESN’T MEAN YOU GET TO MAKE EVERYONE ELSE MISERABLE.

FUCK YES MARINA AND SEBASTIAN ARE HAVING A BATTLE. AND SEBASTIAN IS SO NINJA. AND FLOUNDER SLAPPED AN ELECTRIC EEL IN THE FACE. WHEN DID EVERYONE BECOME LAME?

In conclusion Ariel’s Beginning was the best Little Mermaid film in respect to the story. As I care more bout the story. However the first has the best songs. I think Ariel has the best songs overall though which is unfair because Sebastian needs his own movie or show. With epic song and dance numbers.  Ariel is a selfish little bitch. Just because she got better but not as catchy songs she thinks she can leave during Sebastian’s moment to shine. Not fucking on Ariel. Ariel can go die for leaving during Sebastian’s musical number under the sea to swap her voice for legs to get a man.  And what does Sebastian do? He helps her get the kiss which will keep the change permanent with the musical number kiss the girl. Anyway moving on, Ursula is probably my favourite villain of all the Little Mermaid villains. Morgana and Marina have nothing on her as Ursula straight up said I’m taking your voice and soul if you fail to land your man and Ariel agreed to it. You can’t beat that. No wardrobe montage or manipulating a naïve girl into unknowingly fucking over all her family and the world beats Ursula’s way of getting shit done. The villains in The Little Mermaid Trilogy treat better life lessons than fucking Ariel. ARIEL TEACHES SELFISHNESS AND SELLING YOUR SOUL FOR A GUY AND GIVING UP EVERYTHING FOR A GUY. Whereas the villains teach don’t leave things to chance pursue what they want in a way that isn’t destructive for anyone they love which is why they teach better life lessons. And I think that is enough ranting about the Little Mermaid films. I feel like I have helped my hatred of Ariel by writing this review. Its like the time I doodled her being harpooned, it made me feel a lot better. I feel cleansed a bit after slamming her, her parenting skills and her bad life choices.

Ballad of a Gunfighter Review

TACKY GLOVES

These are the gloves apparently worth dying for in this western about basically a pair of tacky gloves. Everyone wants them apparently because they because they make you the fastest gun slinger in the west. That or everybody’s too busy rolling on the floor laughing at your gloves that you beat them to the draw.

AND ITS REACHED THE FLASHBACK PART
The guy with the gloves beat the bad guy and people are laughing at the bad guy who’s name is Tex. I think they’re laughing because he got beat by a guy with bejazzled gloves.

SIDE NOTE; Tex gets a lot of ass shot which is good because his ass fills his trousers well. His ass looks a lot better than his face.

TACKY MAGIC BEJAZZLED GLOVES ALSO GOOD AT GIVING NIPPLE CRIPPLES APPARENTLY. I MEAN WHY ELSE WAS HOPALOG CASSIDY TOUCHING THIS MAN’S NIPPLES THROUGH HIS SHIRT. I MEAN SURELY YOU SHOULD BE SHOOTING ALL THE PEOPLE HOPALONG CASSIDY.

Yeah the good guy with bejazzled gloves is called Hopalong Cassidy because he has a limp. Also he called his horse Thunder. Unoriginal much.

And Tex is creeping on Mary, Hopalong’s girlfriend who’s a badass with a gun as she has great aim. SHE KICKED A DUDE IN THE NUTS FOR LIKE ATTEMPTING TO KISS AND GROPE HER AND THEN SHE KILLS HIM.

OH LOOK AT HOPALONG WRESTLING A COW TO THE GROUND. POSER. THIS FILM SHOULD BE ABOUT MARY BECAUSE SHE’S AWESOME. It’s just a shame all Mary thinks about is Hopalong.

TEX HAS HOPALONG’S GLOVES. They do go better with his outfit. Evil is all about the accessorizing clearly.

These were all my thoughts on Ballad of a gunfighter. I enjoyed this film even though it would probably be considered to be a bad film by others. I found it fun to watch as it was rather easy to mock and I liked it when Mary was a badass. But seriously what was with those gloves?

Twilight Review

WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS, SARCASM AND STRONG LANGUAGE

So for my first post I thought I’d post my review of the book Twilight from my other blog http://thegoddamngutpuncher.wordpress.com/ as I really dislike this book and the franchise. I would lump all four books together but that would end up being a long winded essay.

It could be argued that Bella cooks and cleans for Charlie which enforces the traditional gender roles of women. However Bella volunteers to do it and frankly its written more like Charlie is a pet hamster who needs feeding regularly and his house cleaned out every so often. Secondly, he didn’t make her she offered to do it because she didn’t want fried food every night, nobody made her do it, she chose to do it and if she likes doing it good for her.

What is unacceptable is in the beginning of the book Bella says that she wants to get a scholarship down south or in Hawaii so she can be in the warm. By the end she’s willing to throw her entire life away for Edward. To follow him like a puppy. Have an education? Screw that. She couldn’t possibly do both. YOLF (you only live forever). So lets follow a man round for the rest of eternity.

Whilst her obsession with Edward is extreme, she does berate herself frequently for it in the beginning. Also its not exactly surprising she obsesses over someone as many girls obsess over the latest boy band and actors etc. However when the main focus is on Edward’s looks as opposed to anything else it highlights how shallow Bella is. He is described as “looking more like a Greek god than anyone has a right to”, a “runway model”, beautiful and various other adjectives which talk about how he is very attractive. Apart from when she first meets Edward and describes him as rude and evasive, she never really describes how he acts after he starts showing interest in her. After that its all about how he looks. She doesn’t note the patronising tone of how he asks her to stay out of trouble or the fact that he is obsessive following her. She also doesn’t acknowledge how he waits for her outside her classes picks her up from her house and how he just inserts himself into her life easily because he knows her routine and he’s chauffeuring her around and practically a body guard as she needs a big strong vampire man to protect her from everything. The way she describes him as perfect or perfection sickens me. Its just nauseating to listen to anyone idolising someone in this obsessive way. I think that Meyer exhausted all the positive adjectives in English language describing Edward alone.

OH EDWARD IS SO FUCKING PERFECT THAT HIS BEAUTIFUL EYES ALONE WILL SOLVE GLOBAL WARMING AND DON’T FORGET ABOUT HIS BUTT WHICH PUTS THE BUTTS OF ALL THE GREEK GODS TO SHAME FOR EDWARD’S BUTT UNLEASHES A BEACON OF LIGHT MORE BRILLIANT THAN THE SUN. HE WILL DAZZLE GLOBAL WARMING WITH HIS SMOULDERING EYES AND GLOBAL WARMING WILL BEND OVER AND TAKE IT ANY WHICH WAY EDWARD WANTS TO GIVE IT. BECAUSE EDWARD IS SO PERFECT, PERFECTION IS ASHAMED THAT ITS NOT EDWARD.

Another irritating thing is the way Bella does what Edward commands. Its another example of his controlling behaviour. The way he admits to following her openly and the way he watches her sleep is very creepy. I think it disgusts me more the way that she’s flattered . But the worst thing about it is the patronising tone he uses when he leaves her alone. Its the way he tells her to stay out of trouble. It just feels like he’s making her rely on him. It feels like Meyer is trying to make Bella a Disney princess, all helpless and in need of her Prince Charming. Her Edward. The way he always leaves notes saying Be Safe or says be safe sickens me because despite the fact she attracts all this trouble, it just gives off waves of superiority. As if silly little Bella being a weak fragile human woman couldn’t possibly manage to stay safe for one day. Tragically Meyer writes her so that she requires 24/7 management. Given the fact she thinks being the girlfriend of a ravenous vampire is a good idea I’d argue that she needs management that isn’t Edward.

One thing that I don’t like people slating is the blank slate characters as everybody knows at least one person who is a stereotype. Sure it might be lazy writing not giving everyone in-depth personality coverage, but some people just don’t have anything more than a 2D personality. Sometimes what you see is all you get.

A decent part of the book is when Bella tries to explain how a couples power dynamic should work ”But it just seems logical… a man and a woman have to be somewhat equal… as in, one of them can’t always be swooping in and saving the other one. They have to save each other equally.” Unfortunately this is completely ignored by Edward who basically argued you save me because you put up with my shit. Fucking Edward and his belief that all the years he’s been alive mean he knows all and that Bella’s opinions are irrelevant as he has come to his decision. Despite the fact that he runs off to sulk in Alaska, is pissy all the time, is very selfish and hasn’t learnt to respect laws and decides he can do what the hell he want because he is a vampire so YOLF. Act your real age Edward not like a facebook teen brat.

Also the way she belittled Lois Lane angered me ”I can’t always be Lois Lane,” I insisted “I want to be Superman, too” Firstly, its an insult to Lois Lane that Bella compares herself to her because Lois Lane makes Superman admire her. Lois Lane is better than Superman at reporting. Reporting is a level playing field and Lois is better at it than Clark Kent and he admires her because of it. Whilst she needs rescuing she is not in an abusive relationship like Bella is. Secondly, despite the fact Edward thinks Bella is special doesn’t mean anything as she is not as intelligent as she is supposed to be evidence of this can be seen in her poor life decisions.

I like how the book looks at Alice and Rosalie and makes them seem awesome. I find it sad that the movies replace all these scenes which make Twilight not so bad with awful romance scenes that are basically Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart staring at each other awkwardly. Its tragic that the better characters are overlooked to pursue the abusive relationship and later the love triangle. Also the fact that virtually every male with a pulse is attracted to her in the town is quite ridiculous and that they chose to include this as opposed to other vampires being BAMFs.

In conclusion, the good points in Twilight are few and far between. Also I hate Stephenie Meyer’s writing so much I could gutpunch her for writing it. New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn reviews will appear at a later date when I repost them here. I really wish I’d had tequila when I was reading these books to write these reviews as that might have made reading them worthwhile. Consider Twilight slammed.