WARNING; CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE, SPOILERS, A LOT OF ARIEL HATRED AND A LOT OF CAPS LOCK.

A while back me and my friends were discussing how none of us really liked Disney princesses and for me I have always had a clear worst Disney princess of all time. I hate Ariel, I absolutely hate her. Well from what I could remember so I decided to re-watch the first and watch the sequel and the prequel for the first time because my friends thought I should blog about it. So these are my mainly unedited thoughts whilst watching the films.

So I started with the Little Mermaid, the film where my hatred of Ariel first began. FUCKING ARIEL. SEBASTIAN IS MY PRECIOUS BABY. I’D FORGOTTEN SEBASTIAN WAS THROWING A CONCERT SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO SING IN BUT SHE DIDN’T SHOW. THE BITCH. I’d also forgotten that she mocks Flounder for being afraid of sharks. HEY ARIEL ITS CALLED THE FOOD CHAIN ITS CALLED BEING FUCKING REALISTIC. AND SHE LEAVES DURING “UNDER THE SEA” WHICH  IS SO RUDE. I MEAN SOMEONE DOES AN ENTIRE MUSIC AND DANCE NUMBER JUST FOR YOU AND SHE CAN’T FUCKING STAY UNTIL THE END. She’s so selfish and inconsiderate. There’s chasing your dreams acceptably and there’s TREATING YOU FRIENDS LIKE SHIT AND NOT GIVING A FUCK ABOUT YOUR FAMILY AND SELLING OUR SOUL TO AN OCTOPUS WITCH TO CHASE A GUY WHO YOU SAW ONCE AND SEEMED NICE. Ariel prefers the latter.

See I have never seen Ursula as evil, as she did explain to Ariel what she was going to do and what Ariel would lose if she failed and Ariel agreed anyway. You may have noticed already that I hate Ariel a lot and do not sympathise with her at all.

POOR SEBASTIAN. My precious baby. Triton assigns him to watch Ariel and keep her out of trouble and what does Ariel go do? She goes and sells her soul to Ursula. Yeah just fuck Sebastian over why don’t you for just doing his job. Ursula is quite the saleswoman talking Ariel out of her voice and potentially her soul for a couple of days with legs or a whole lifetime if it goes right. I mean damn Ariel has a whole lot to lose over a guy who could potentially not want to even kiss her. But he does because this is Disney.

I think the thing that pisses me off the most is that the only time Ariel says thank you is the time Flounder gets her that statue of Prince Eric. UNGRATEFUL LITTLE SHIT. Also owning a statue of the Prince you met once but fell in love with is just creepy. VERY CREEPY. But if anyone deserved thanks it was Sebastian. Sebastian sang “Kiss the Girl” and almost succeeded in getting Eric to kiss Ariel, which was ruined by Ursula’s moray eels Flotsam and Jetsam. Even though Ariel sold her soul to Ursula and could have got Sebastian fired by her dad and she made his life real difficult he helped her. SEBASTIAN THE CRAB IS A FUCKING TOP WINGMAN. Also the crazy French chef attempted to kill Sebastian whilst he was trying to help her. Seriously, he didn’t get a thank you or any recognition for all he sacrificed to help her. SELFISH, INCONSIDERATE BITCH NEARLY GOT MY PRECIOUS BABY KILLED BECAUSE HE’S LOYAL TO KING TRITON.

King Triton is pretty awesome for a single father raising a dickload of daughters. He has as many daughters as the Weasley’s have sons. I know he destroyed Ariel’s human collection but dude he’s trying to keep her safe and he thought he was doing the right thing and he was so sorry when Ariel went missing. Triton was only worried about her safety and how is he re-paid? Ariel dooms the fucking world because she fancied some guy.

FUCKING ARIEL. That is literally a two-word sum up of my thoughts on the little mermaid. FUCKING ARIEL.

Now onto the Little Mermaid 2 Return to the Sea. SPOILER ALERT ARIEL’S A DICK IN THE SEQUEL TOO.

Basically like her dad said she couldn’t go near land/humans, she forbids her daughter from going near water.  Ursula’s sister Morgana is understandably a bit pissed off that her sister was murdered by Eric and Ariel. So understandably she almost kidnapped Melody but the day was saved by Triton tho Morgana escaped. ARIEL’S SOLUTION? SHE BUILDS A GIANT FUCKING WALL. OK WHERE IS THE FUCKING SENSE IN NOT INFORMING YOUR DAUGHTER WHY SHE CAN’T GO IN THE SEA EVER OR ABOUT HER MERPEOPLE ANCESTORY? LACK OF INFORMATION CAUSES SERIOUS REBELLION PROBLEMS. WANTING HER TO STAY OUT OF THE SEA IS FAIR ENOUGH, BUT NOT EXPLAINING TO HER WHY SHE SHOULD IS SO STUPID. Ariel wants to tell her the truth after she has run off. DUDE THE TIME TO TELL HER THE TRUTH WOULD HAVE BEEN BEFORE THE MOMENT SHE FOUND THAT YOU HAD BEEN KEEPING STUFF FROM HER AND RAN OFF. DOESN’T SHE RECALL THE TIME SHE SOLD HER VOICE AND SOUL TO BE WITH ERIC AFTER HER DAD DESTROYED STATUE ERIC? SURELY SHE MUST HAVE NOTICED THE DEJA VU. Oh wait that’s expecting her to have some basic intelligence which she doesn’t possess otherwise she wouldn’t have sold her soul to Ursula.

AND MELODY IGNORED SEBASTIAN AS WELL. FUCKING MERMAIDS. To be fair I don’t have a problem with Melody like I have with Ariel, because Melody is naïve and doesn’t know Morgana is evil. To think if you’d explained to your daughter that Octopi witches are evil which is why you built a giant wall and why she isn’t allowed in the ocean then this whole mess could’ve been avoided. My problem with Ariel is that SHE KNEW URSULA WAS AN EVIL SEA WITCH AND WENT ANYWAY.

SO LET ME SUM THIS UP THE LITTLE MERMAID 2 IS ARIEL FUCKING UP AT PARENTING AND CAUSING ANOTHER EVIL OCTOPUS WITCH TO ALMOST KILL HER, ERIC AND TRITON. ARIEL SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED TO MAKE LIFE DECISIONS.

TITANIC TIP AND DARING DASH ADVENTURERS/EXPLORERS ARE THE BEST. SO MUCH BETTER THAN FLOUNDER. THOUGH IT FEELS LIKE THEY’RE TRYING TO BE THE TIMONEAND PUMBA OF THE SEA. THEY’RE AFRAID OF EVERYTHING ONE IS BIG AND FAT, THE OTHER IS SHORT AND SKINNIER AND THEY’RE BOTH OUTCASTS. THEY’RE THE TIMONE AND PUMBA OF THE SEA, EXCEPT THEY’RE KIND OF MORE AWESOME BECAUSE THEY’RE TRYING TO BE ADVENTURERS/EXPLORERS AND TRYING TO BEAT THEIR FEARS. WHEREAS TIMONE AND PUMBA EXPLOITED THE FACT SIMBA WAS THE PREDATOR OF THE FOOD CHAIN TO DEFEND THEMSELVES. WHEREAS TIP AND DASH ARE HELPING MELODY BECAUSE THEY GENIUINELY WANT TO HELP PEOPLE.

AND WHY THE FUCK WOULD TRITON LEAVE HIS TRIDENT LYING AROUND? I MEAN DUDE THERE’S AN EVIL SEA WITCH AFTER IT ALL THE FUCKING TIME. YOU GOTTA KEEP TABS ON IT.

K MELODY YOU DUMB SPITEFUL BITCH YOU DON’T GIVE THE TRIDENT TO THE OCTOPUS WITCH YOU HAVE JUST MET BECAUSE YOUR MUM FUCKED UP. OH YEAH JUST DOOM THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD BECAUSE YOU HAVE MUMMY ISSUES. THIS COULD HAVE ALL BEEN AVOIDED IF ARIEL HAD TOLD HER THE TRUTH. I blame Ariel again for this near destruction of the world rather than Melody as she raised her daughter to be RIDICULOUSLY naïve and she didn’t tell her the truth. I could see why some people might do that if they were in Melody’s shoes. BUT, it’s still stupid and spiteful.

NO ONE EVER DOES ANYTHING GOOD FOR YOU OUT OF THE KINDNESS OF THEIR HEARTS TBH. THAT’S PRETTY ACCURATE UNFORTUNATLEY. I MEAN YOU CAN MARRY AN OLD BILLIONAIRE BUT YOU HAVE TO FUCK HIM IF YOU WANT HIS MONEY. HE WON’T JUST GIVE IT TO YOU. AN EVIL SEA WITCH MIGHT TURN YOU INTO A MERMAID BUT SHE’LL MAKE YOU STEAL FROM YOUR GRANDFATHER AND FUCK YOU OVER FOR ONLY A COUPLE OF DAYS OF BEING A MERMAID. SHE’LL ALSO ATTEMPT TO KILL YOR PARENTS, YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND RULE THE WORLD. ARIEL NEARLY CAUSED TWO DIFFERENT SEA WITCHES TO RULE THE WORLD AND KILL EVERYONE SHE LOVES BY BEING AN IDIOT AND NOT TRUSTING HER DAUGHTER.

NOW FOR LITTLE MERMAID 3. SOMEONE FUCKING HELP ME. WHY AM I SUBJECTING MYSELF TO ALL THIS ARIEL IN ONE NIGHT? Some people are probably thinking “WAIT THERE’S A LITTLE MERMAID 3?” Yeah there is, it’s called Ariel’s beginning. It’s a prequel.

This film begins by introducing Ariel’s mum. Her mum dies in the beginning because she tries to save a music box whilst every other sensible merperson is getting the fuck out of the way of the pirate ship SO THEY DON’T GET CRUSHED TO DEATH. I MEAN DUDE SURE TRITON GAVE IT TO YOU AND IT PLAYED YOUR SONG BUT YOU SACRIFICED YOUR LIFE, AND SPENDING THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH YOUR HUSBAND AND YOUR 7 DAUGHTERS OVER A BOX THAT PLAYED YOUR AND YOUR HUSBAND’S SONG REALLY? REALLY? WHAT THE FUCK? FUCKING ATHENA. ARE ALL THE WOMEN OF THAT LINE SO FUCKING ANNOYING? APPARENTLY ITS THE LINE OF STUPIDITY.

OH AND APPARENTLY TRITON BANNED MUSIC IN ATLANTICA BECAUSE HIS WIFE DIED OVER A FUCKING MUSIC BOX. GET A GRIP TRITON YOUR WIFE DIED BECAUSE SHE WAS STUPID. THAT’S LIKE ME BANNING CARS BECAUSE MY PET CAT GOT HIT BY ONE. ITS ILLOGICAL. I CAN NOW SEE WHY TRITON DIDNT WANT ARIEL NEAR THE SURFACE WORLD, HE SAW THAT THE STUPIDITY WAS STORNG IN THIS ONE.

MARINA DEL RAY IS THE SASSIEST MOHTERFUCKING VILLAIN EVER. SHE’S HAVING A FASHION MONTAGE. BUT SHE’S TRYING TO SABOTAGE MY FAV SEBASTIAN. THE CONFLICTED EMOTIONS I AM FEELING RIGHT NOW. BUT DAMN IS IT NICE TO HAVE A MERMAID AS THE VILLAIN. I MEAN ALL THESE EVIL OCTOPI WITCHES IS STEREOTYPING OCTOPI. SEBASTIAN IS KINDA A DOUCHE IN THIS THO. BUT GIVEN THAT TRITON IS BEING REALLY STRICT I CAN SEE WHY SEBASTIAN HAS TO BE A DOUCHE.

MARINA IS FABULOUS. AND SHE DOESN’T LIKE THE MERMAID PRINCESSES EITHER. ME AND HER HAVE THAT IN COMMON. I AM THE MARINA DEL RAY APPRECIATION SOCIETY CHAIRWOMAN.

OMG THERES A SECRET CLUB CALLED THE CATFISH CLUB WITH A BAND. ITS LIKE A SPEAKEASY FROM PROHIBITION TIME IN AMERICA. AND FLOUNDER IS A PART OF IT. WHEN DID FLOUNDER GET LAME I MEAN DUDE PART OF A PROHIBITED NIGHT CLUB WITH MUSIC AND DANCING TO BEING HER LAME SIDEKICK? YOU WENT DOWN IN THE WORLD FLOUNDER.

SEBASTIAN SINGS AT THE PROHIBITED CLUB WHAT A BABE. OMG ARIEL AND HER SISTERS HITTING THE CATFISH CLUB TOGETHER. I LIKE ARIEL MORE IN THIS ONE. SHE’S LESS STUPID AND SELFISH AND MORE I DON’T WANNA LIVE A BORING MUSICLESS LIFE. MAYBE THE SAME “NOW YOU’RE CRAP” THING HIT BOTH HER AND FLOUNDER. It would explain a few things.

SHIT MARINA’S GONNA RUIN THE CATFISH CLUB, kinda less of a fan of her now. YOU KNOW TRITON SUCKS IN THIS FILM. ITS LIKE DUDE JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE MISERABLE BECAUSE YOUR WIFE WAS A MORON DOESN’T MEAN YOU GET TO MAKE EVERYONE ELSE MISERABLE.

FUCK YES MARINA AND SEBASTIAN ARE HAVING A BATTLE. AND SEBASTIAN IS SO NINJA. AND FLOUNDER SLAPPED AN ELECTRIC EEL IN THE FACE. WHEN DID EVERYONE BECOME LAME?

In conclusion Ariel’s Beginning was the best Little Mermaid film in respect to the story. As I care more bout the story. However the first has the best songs. I think Ariel has the best songs overall though which is unfair because Sebastian needs his own movie or show. With epic song and dance numbers.  Ariel is a selfish little bitch. Just because she got better but not as catchy songs she thinks she can leave during Sebastian’s moment to shine. Not fucking on Ariel. Ariel can go die for leaving during Sebastian’s musical number under the sea to swap her voice for legs to get a man.  And what does Sebastian do? He helps her get the kiss which will keep the change permanent with the musical number kiss the girl. Anyway moving on, Ursula is probably my favourite villain of all the Little Mermaid villains. Morgana and Marina have nothing on her as Ursula straight up said I’m taking your voice and soul if you fail to land your man and Ariel agreed to it. You can’t beat that. No wardrobe montage or manipulating a naïve girl into unknowingly fucking over all her family and the world beats Ursula’s way of getting shit done. The villains in The Little Mermaid Trilogy treat better life lessons than fucking Ariel. ARIEL TEACHES SELFISHNESS AND SELLING YOUR SOUL FOR A GUY AND GIVING UP EVERYTHING FOR A GUY. Whereas the villains teach don’t leave things to chance pursue what they want in a way that isn’t destructive for anyone they love which is why they teach better life lessons. And I think that is enough ranting about the Little Mermaid films. I feel like I have helped my hatred of Ariel by writing this review. Its like the time I doodled her being harpooned, it made me feel a lot better. I feel cleansed a bit after slamming her, her parenting skills and her bad life choices.